FX: DULL THUD

FX: DULL THUD: BALL ON PADS
CHORUS (LEAD BY 2nd SLIP): Ooowwerrrrrzzzaaaaaat?
UMPIRE: That’s out.
CHORUS CHEER/WHOOP
2nd SLIP (SINGING): Cheerio, Cheerio, Cheerio… Haha! Nice one, Merlin. ‘Oo’ve we got comin’ up next then?
WICKET KEEPER: ‘Ere, look at the state of this bloke.
2nd SLIP: It’s Fatty Arbuckle!
CHORUS LAUGHTER
1st SLIP: You can laugh, Gareth.
2nd SLIP: Eh? Do what?
CHORUS CHUCKLE
Here we go, boys, look lively: Michelin Man’s come to eat our women and children.
BATSMAN 1: Middle and leg please, umpire.
2nd SLIP: I’d give up now mate, you’ll never find yer middle leg.
CHORUS CHUCKLE
(WARMING TO AUDIENCE) Millions have tried…
CHORUS LAUGHTER
…but to no avail.
UMPIRE: A bit to the right… no, towards you…
2nd SLIP: Someone send a search party.
UMPIRE: That’s him.
2nd SLIP: ‘Allelujah!
‘Ere mate.
‘Ere mate.
BATSMAN 1 (BORED): What is it, smart-arse?
2nd SLIP: Nothing.
CHORUS GIGGLES
WICKET KEEPER: Here he comes. Come on Merlin, let’s see what you’ve got.
1st SLIP: Let’s have another, Chris.
2nd SLIP: Speeeeeen Wizzaaaaaard! Watch out for this bloke, mate.
FX: LOUD SMACK: BAT ON BALL
SILLY MID-ON: Christ!
BATSMAN 1: YES!
WICKET KEEPER: Bowler’s end, George.
CHORUS GROANS
FX: CHEERS/APPLAUSE FROM BOUNDARY
UMPIRE: That’s over.



SCENE 2
BATSMAN 1: Hello chaps, back again?
1st SLIP: You won’t be smilin’ in a minute, mate… Big Bird’s on next.
2nd SLIP: Fastest arm in the West. Half Jamaican he is.
BATSMAN 1 (LAUGHING): Which half? The bottom? He’s whiter than me.
2nd SLIP: ‘Ey, that’s racialist, that is mate. They have white people in Jamaica too you know. You should hear ‘im talk. Sounds like a right Wazzock.
WICKET KEEPER: Come on Big Bird, knock his block off!
CHORUS ‘OOOOh’…
UMPIRE: That’s a wide.
BATSMAN 1: Terrifying.
2nd SLIP: ‘Ere mate.
BATSMAN 1: What?
2nd SLIP: Is yer wife as fat as you?
BATSMAN 1: You can talk, Mr Creosote.
SILLY MID-ON LAUGHS
2nd SLIP (INDIGNANT): Oi! Simon?
SILLY MID-ON: Sorry Gareth.
2nd SLIP: ‘Oo’s Mr Creosote anyhow?
WICKET KEEPER: Face up, boys
FX: DULL SMACK: BAT ON BALL
BATSMAN 2: Stay there.
1st SLIP: That’s more like it, Big Bird!

2nd SLIP: ‘Ere mate.
BATSMAN 1 (HUMOURING): What?
2nd SLIP: You know why she’s so fat don’t yer? ‘Cos every time we do it, she… oh no, hang on…
BATSMAN 1: No, mate, you’ve got it all wrong. I’m meant to ask why you’re so fat, and you say, ‘because every time I do it with your wife, she gives me a biscuit.’
CHORUS LAUGHS
2nd SLIP (STILL LAUGHING): That’s it. Nice one. Dead funny that.
(PAUSE) Go on then mate, ask me.
BATSMAN 1: Hang on, your Jamaican thunderbolt’s ready for blast-off again.
FX: DULL THUD: BALL ON BODY
CHORUS ‘Ooooh’.
BATSMAN 1 BREATHES OUT LOUDLY
1st SLIP: Nice one, Birders.
WICKET KEEPER: Finding his range now. You better watch the next one mate.

2nd SLIP: Come on then, mate, ask me.
BATSMAN 1 (SIGHS): All right then. (STILTED, AS IF READING): Here, mate, how come you’re so incredibly fat?
CHORUS CHUCKLES
2nd SLIP (EXCITEDLY): Not as fat as you, yer bugger!! Haha. Eh? Got yer there!
CHORUS SILENCE
BATSMAN 1: Yep. It’s a fair cop. You better watch out for the comedy police at that rate, mate.
WICKET KEEPER: Face up!
FX: LOUD CRACK: BAT ON BALL
CHORUS: ‘Caaatch!!’
CHORUS GROANS
WICKET KEEPER: Unlucky Chris.
2nd SLIP: Never mind Merlin, heads up!
1st SLIP: Same again, Big Bird.

2nd SLIP: So, is she then, mate?
BATSMAN 1: What?
2nd SLIP: Your wife?
BATSMAN 1: What?
2nd SLIP: Fat?
CHORUS CHUCKLES
BATSMAN 1: No she’s not as it happens. Wish she was.
2nd SLIP: Like ‘em fat do you mate?
CHORUS CHUCKLES
Like a bit of cushioning?
BATSMAN 1: Not especially, but she’s got cancer.
CHORUS SILENCE
Pancreas.
2nd SLIP (AFTER LENGTHY SILENCE): Ere mate, I’m sorry. We was just joshin’.
BATSMAN 1: That’s all right, you weren’t to know.

WICKET KEEPER: Er, guys, Bird’s waiting for us.
BATSMAN 1: Sorry, umpire.
FX: SPLINTERING: BALL ON WICKET
FX: (OFF): CHEERS
CHORUS SILENCE
BATSMAN 1: Bugger. (DEPARTS)

WICKET KEEPER: Gareth, sometimes you can be a right arse.